Tootiefuckinfruitie’s Weblog

Dare i?  well i did.  Ive had issues before with porn and relationships. There are sumthings that can really ruin a girl. Her self worth, esteem,confidence,whatever you’d like to call it. Now everyone pretty much looks at porn.. human nature. BUT there are somethings you should NOT look at. Nor do you ever want to see your significant other ever look at. I got married young I as just 21. I love my husband more then anything.. and thru thick and thin all the drama that we have been through ill be here with him always. Id never leave him. IF anyone should be the one to leave it would have to be him. We had a hard time last year. Growing up getting to learn who you are as at 21 you really have no clue as to who you are. Not only are you having to deal with finding yourself you have to hope that person you married will be able to like the new you as well. Its hard at least it was super hard for us. No matter what he says he is happy and fine the way things are even before the big blow out  almost a year ago. To him its alays fine hes alays happy. blah blah. Infact things have been really great I MEAN REALLY REALLY GREAT !! But why will i never be enough! I have changed and improved sooo much and now i find myself feeling betrayed once more. I wont go on and on with all the issues from the past just with my current one  going on. One im guessing now I will never be able to get over it. Back to the porn….. like i said human nature i may not like it for what ever reasons and issues that i have. I may feel not enough or i may think im not what he wants anymore or i may think he has serious issues and is this much healthy?? Does he need help??? Granted it is not like im not willing to have SEX anytime and anyday of the week cause i am, he is the one who has to be in the mood and not me. I swear wtf is wrong with a man who prefers to jack off instead of have sex?? Why?? cause then he does not have to get sweaty. haha are u kidding me with this crap.?? a girls got needs  !!!! Straight up !!

So today i come home i take him to poker night i get on the lap top it wants to be super slow. So i decide to go to get on the desk top computer. I notice the orange disk sticking out of it. Major condition out of sight out of mind. I have gotten over my snooping finally .. and now i find this. Ive gotton over the horrible days and nights of being so full of anxeity and now i find this. I actually was not mad in the least bit. I had to look at it and see what was on it. All the time  just saying to myself you can not get mad you have the option to act like you never saw it and to just walk away. Well i chose to look at it and to not get mad. what i found is pretty unforgivable however i WILL NOT mention what it was that upset me so. BUT TRUST ME IT WAS SOOOO BAD!!!! how do i get passed such a thing?? will i leave? heck no. am i worried??? YES and about so many things. I could never be with anyone else ever. Maybe a girl if things should ever end! All i desire is the respect i asked for when he took my hand in marriage is that really so much to ask for ?

so what do i do? How do i dare to even bring up such a thing?? Its going to come up as i texted him WOW you actually left something in the computer in  our bedroom.  Of course his cell phone is not on, meaning if he does not turn it on tonight i will just have to say hey be more careful i had to fight with myself all not not to look at this. which would be a lie. or i will have to fight the fight once again that i really do not want to fight. Or if he does get it i can still tell him the same thing to avoid the fight as well.  I feel that is what i should do. Just let him know that it as spoted and that i did not look at it. some how if i would actually tell him what i saw and that maybe he needs some help he would most definately turn it on me somehow tho in all honesty i did nothing wrong it is almost like being in the wrong place at the wrong time. no??

how long must i ignore this and will i ever accept it????

goodnight!!

TFF