I start to fall asleept friday night a lil before 1am…. I have my phone in hand on vibrate incase the Boy should decide to call, Since I  had sent him that Previous Text message. About 1:30 i get a text back saying WHAT ??? I immediatly call him. I let him know that I found somthing That I really did not appreciate I told him i chose not to look at its contents (which was a lie) However I told him I was s cared to look at it because it would only fuel my anger and I did not want to see if it was sumone we knew (sumthing unmentionable) etc..etc… So he stayred pretty calm about it . Odd for him I mean yes he was in the company of his friends tho he walked away to converstate with me in private. I’m so used to him no matter what the subject trying to turn things around on me Which he did not this time which was nice! When i brought up the unmentionable he was like o so you are accusing me of being a (another unmetionable) Im like well you told me once before when i saw that, that the computer had a virus and just brought up those sites on accident when clicked on other sites… blah blah… So the converstation actually ended pretty quick. He came home he woke me up to eat my burrito and than saturday we were back to  normal.

Tho he was quick to please this weekend

This is just sumthing I have to dealwith if im going to stay with him forever. I have to just hope it stays to looking and never gets to be REAL.

Luv Hurts!!

” “

TFF

So today i come home i take him to poker night i get on the lap top it wants to be super slow. So i decide to go to get on the desk top computer. I notice the orange disk sticking out of it. Major condition out of sight out of mind. I have gotten over my snooping finally .. and now i find this. Ive gotton over the horrible days and nights of being so full of anxeity and now i find this. I actually was not mad in the least bit. I had to look at it and see what was on it. All the time  just saying to myself you can not get mad you have the option to act like you never saw it and to just walk away. Well i chose to look at it and to not get mad. what i found is pretty unforgivable however i WILL NOT mention what it was that upset me so. BUT TRUST ME IT WAS SOOOO BAD!!!! how do i get passed such a thing?? will i leave? heck no. am i worried??? YES and about so many things. I could never be with anyone else ever. Maybe a girl if things should ever end! All i desire is the respect i asked for when he took my hand in marriage is that really so much to ask for ?

so what do i do? How do i dare to even bring up such a thing?? Its going to come up as i texted him WOW you actually left something in the computer in  our bedroom.  Of course his cell phone is not on, meaning if he does not turn it on tonight i will just have to say hey be more careful i had to fight with myself all not not to look at this. which would be a lie. or i will have to fight the fight once again that i really do not want to fight. Or if he does get it i can still tell him the same thing to avoid the fight as well.  I feel that is what i should do. Just let him know that it as spoted and that i did not look at it. some how if i would actually tell him what i saw and that maybe he needs some help he would most definately turn it on me somehow tho in all honesty i did nothing wrong it is almost like being in the wrong place at the wrong time. no??

how long must i ignore this and will i ever accept it????

goodnight!!

TFF

Plus I heart CHEESE way too much.. Some of the fake stuff is pretty good however, there is no fake feta that I have seen yet and I luv me sum FETA.

I read this book called skinny bitch…. Heard of it ?? Its written by these two broads who pretty much will take you and turn you into a new healthier you. I mean they will turn you off soda so fast its unreal. I was a SODA whore now im down to a glass a day if any at all. My latest addiction…… POM Green tea.. Anything by POM then that is for me.They also have a chapter that goes in to great detail of a salughter house. Literally I was in tears the whole chapter. Its just wrong sooooo wrong. SO sad

Thanksgiving is coming up…. Meaning time for more critisim.. THere are sum in my life who could not be happier for me …. Tho my husband is still eating meat occasionally he is the one to pick me up and stop me from going bak to it when i  have my weak moments. Im thankful for that. Ive gone this far I need to continue with it. There are those who just dont understand it one bit. They call me anorexic ( hey can i help it if im born thin and they are fat cows?) There are those who need me to explain why i chose to do such a thing. Those who are totaly un-informed and tell me how im making global warming worse ! Yummm yea do your research before you start telling me my lifestlye is wrong!

Milk is Poison!

My mom died in 1999. I miss her terribly and im sure i still have sum issues with this. My moms family always treated us differently. My mom was the black sheep of the family. No-One ever agreed with how my mom raised us. We were pretty much left to do what we want always were allowed to watch inappropriate things among other  things. I had a cousin a few years younger then I. She was never allowed to spend the night with me I could only sleep over her house. They have always thought they were-better then us somehow.. I don’t know why I’m the one who has been on my own since im 18. Im healthy and not over weight like they are. Ive never asked for help ive always taken care of myself.

These people ignored my wedding  yrs ago . Did not even  have the respect to at least tell me a congrats or send a note saying they could not attend just ignored it completely. Not like we live to far apart now im in San Diego they are in la.

Anyhow after my mom passed I would always visit my grandma when I was in town I luvd this lady, she raised me off and on since i was in 4th grade. she was a very smart lady she played the piano and guitar beautifully and sang just as well. I have soooooo many good memories of  her……….. She got to a point where no-one could take care of her so my aunt sold her  house and used the money to build an additional story on her house, my grandma lived with her and I was no longer able to see her. I got to speak to her a few times over the last 4 yrs.  But often thought of her and missed her dearly.

Monday October 8th I get a email from my cousin stating that she could NOT find my phone number and that my g’ma was in the hospital and if i wanted to say goodbye I better come now she had sum kind of a systemic infection and do to her health and age there was nothing they could do so they took the feeding tube out and the iv and were moving her to a hospice until she passed… 20 mins later i get a phone call she passed away.

Upset and hurt by  not being told sooner i left work to go home. My brother’s had no idea what had happened and the sad thing is , is that one of my brothers live close by them. My rage only came more and more as I find out Sunday they all sat around with her in the hospital telling stories of times with their mother and grandmother. I am very in-raged with those people Like us or  not we  ARE their family and we should have been there to  be able to say goodbye just like them.

To top off my RAGE they are not even having a service for her. They are simply cremating her and taking her to a river they camped at as children and we are not allowed to attend that.

So here’s to Family who I guess apparently I am better without. I would never do sumthing like this to someone I care ab out. My brothers and I loved this woman very  much and now have to find our own way to say goodbye to her.

Virgina Rose  (flowers) Watson you were a great grandma and always there for me. Thanks for everything I have very found memories of you and our time together. You were an awesome person and I hope now you will be happy being with the children of your own whom you have lost. Please feel free to stop by my dreams anytime.

Give mom papa and gwenie a big hug from me

Tear Basil and sprinkle on the bottom of the Pepper

Place a spoon full of sundried tomatos in each Pepper ( if they are not the smaller sliced ones and are whole just put 1 in each) I used the sliced ones and did about a spoon full each

Place Feta On top of tomatos

Drizzle Olive Oil over the peppers and place in the broiler or on the Grill for about 10-15 Mins or until the feta starts melting and peppers are tender

Serve with Crusty Bread or Rice
( I made one cup jasmine rice) Once it was done i added a little chopped up red bell pepper, Onion garlic powder, cumin, paprika (all previously had been cooked in olive oil) I also added 1/4 cup of ketchup while mixing this all in with the rice.
The flavors complimented the stuffed Peppers very well

I know im a creative type however, Im just not sure how to do something with whatever ive got.

How sad is it that ive never had any real guidance, never really any ambitions, No real dreams, No goals…………………

So I wake up this morning already pissed at the world. My arms and  back are so DAMN sore. Im not ready for another full day of filing and lifting boxes. Keep in mind I have a job in a Office, Since the real estate market has fallen into a big PILE OF SHIT … I am now being forced to move boxes lets see I’ve moved the whole outside storage and put in numeric order. Um im a lil tiny girl those boxes full of paper are fucking Heavy. Ive done have the inside room only 38 more boxes to go then I have to re-arrange the ones still shelved away in numeric order. My Hands are raw, and very cut up. Im not ready for another day of this

Can I just ask SINCE when did heavy lifting and cutting up my hands become part of my job? Seriously.. Im out looking and having a hard time. Im a girl with soooooo much more to her then this and Im stuck in a place with empty promises.

Started as a escrow receptionist almost 6 yrs ago, Became escrow Assistant, Also I am in charge of the trust accounting here as well(which is a pretty big responsibility). As we all know the Market has been pretty shitty this year.. Hardly anyone Buying or Refinancing Let alone Selling.

Its down to 4 of us in the office, The owner ( my boss) her daughter T (who is manager, DONT even get me started on working for a family business) and JB T’s Assistant. Then there is myself who has to reception , do whatever my boss asks me to do, Then do the trust accounting.. order supplies.. keep up on everything here. I have wayyyyy too many job title around here for the kind of money i get paid. No raise in about 3 yrs.

My job is nice when business is coming in. However here I am no raise…… No where to move up as I have been promised to be an Escrow officer for about 2 Yrs now and nothing is happening. WTF??? I may not have the degrees or anything like that but im a very bight girl who picks up everything easily. Why is it so hard to better myself? Im trying really trying and so far nothing is happening . (Tear)

SO anyhow,
Today I have been moving Boxes all day long , from file room to storage I have lifted more then Rosie O’Donnell’s weight today alone ! Not to mention there is still soooooo much more to do. My pretty red nails are all chipped, My hands sore and cut up. My back is killing me and I have scratches all over. When it got to be where i could no longer put two boxes on the highest top of shelf I put only one. My boss says to me how come two here and only one the rest of the way?? Um Hello ungrateful.. This is sooooo NOT my job to do this shit . Im like maybe because I cant lift up anymore that high! I mean are you serious ????????? I’m the girl who cant even lift up the bottled water to refill the cooler and here I am slaving away for Pennies……………….
LoL

Yes its true has anyone read the lyrics to this Song ? Let Alone heard it ………….

Heifer whines could be human cries
Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is MURDER
And the flesh you so fancifully fry
Is not succulent, tasty or kind
It’s death for no reason
And death for no reason is MURDER
And the calf that you carve with a smile
Is MURDER
And the turkey you festively slice
Is MURDER
Do you know how animals die ?
Kitchen aromas aren’t very homely
It’s not “comforting”, cheery or kind
It’s sizzling blood and the unholy stench
Of MURDER
It’s not “natural”, “normal” or kind
The flesh you so fancifully fry
The meat in your mouth
As you savour the flavour
Of MURDER
NO, NO, NO, IT’S MURDER
NO, NO, NO, IT’S MURDER
Oh … and who hears when animals cry ?

This song can make me cry any day of the week.
I will confess Im no Saint. I just recently stopped eating meat. The only thing not grossing me out at this point meat wise is fish.. But this too I will cut down. My father got me the most awesome Veg. Cookbook. It has sum amazing things in it. Plus tips on how and where to get your protein .. Helpful and awesome .
I have had a few of these dishes already and everyone has been so tastey. Im in love with the feeling of feeling good after a meal I feel full but not sluggish like meat tends to do to me.
Im exceited about my new path in life.. New diet.. New Job possibilites… New outlook.. I am geeked on Life and Love….

the flesh you so fancifully fry the meat in your mouth as you savour tha flavor of murder

Mix Potato, Sweet potato, Carrot and Zucchini together in a bowl. Add Broccoli Mix Well. Handful by handful squeeze the liquid from the mixture over the sink and transfer to another bowl. Add garlic powder if desired. Add Salt & pepper to taste and the 2 tablespoons of flour. MIX WELL
Form into patties a b out 2-3 inches Wide.

Heat over medium heat in a NON-Stick pan the 2 tablespoons of Olive Oil. Cook on each side about 5-6 Min’s so they stay firm and get a nice brown coating on them.

Serve Immediately, with or without bun. I added Cheese to mine and it was so tasty.

I will admit at first glance I was a little worried about how it would taste since it looks a little different, But I was in love with the first Bite.

Yummmmmmmmmmmmm-Y
Enjoy

San Diego has made me calm down, gave me some peace and has taught me (tho hard at times) to RELAX !!!! Live for today, Live for the moment. Take a minute to stop and look around enjoy whats around you. Quit wrapping yourself up in the land of the fake. How much money you have. Who met who, who saw who, who is friends with who and WHAT clubs you can get into.

Beauty is REAL. Beauty is an idea. Its sad that half our world is FAKE not just in the sense of personality But Fake in the outside. Fake face, fake nose, Fake tummy, Fake ASS, calf’s, Lips Good Lord fake everything. The idea of putting something totally foreign in my body knowing the harm it could cause yrs and yrs from now is just absolutely insane to me . Cosmetic Surgery should be to those who loose a breast due to cancer, and such extremities as this.

Maybe if you could get self esteem implanted into your STUPID Lil head you would not need to spend lots of money to make yourself look a certain way when all it does is change the outside of your appearance and NOT how ugly you are on the inside or how you feel about yourself.
I have seen many girls feel sooo shitty and feel the need to get implants. They say it Will give them a boost. BOOST my ass if your doing it to give yourself a boost try getting a boost in your stupid mind! I have a friend lets call her VQ for vanity queen. Here was this sweet lil girl who was and is soooooooooo smart was a major free thinker then came the boobs and there went her sweetness. This girl still has low self esteem . Constantly needing re-assurance how do I look? Am I fat? OMG !! like that would totally look better on me then her. Wah wah wah ! just shut up and shoot yourself already as you will never be happy!

You are what you ARE! Everyone was made with their own special beauty. Get over yourself. Try working out its cheaper then liposuction. Try sum new make-up.. Try a self help book, Try to find love with-in yourself. You are what you eat , try taking that greasy all beef Pattie out of your mouth for a second and put a freaking apple in your mouth. Exercise and eat right. Take care of yourself. You only get one body, take care of it !!!

Remember if your low and ugly inside a pair of knockers will not help you feel better, but only make you even more open to criticism and even more vain and ugly. STOP and think about what you will be doing to yourself !
Wake up and LOVE YOURSELF !!

Try some fucking Pilate’s